Can you criticize my writing for me please?
Posted On August 15 In Cardinal Bird House
The rich greens and browns of the woods nearly sparkle in the crisp morning air. At least, to me they do. I wander somewhat aimlessly through the trees and bushes. The sun pokes through openings in the canopy of newly bloomed leaves above me. The sweet aroma of wood and grass fills me up. A few birds can be spotted in the branches. Blue Jays and Cardinals.
A log cottage slowly comes into view. After wandering so far, Polly must be wondering where I am, so I push through the solid oak door and step inside.
Immediately the four women rush toward me with worry marks on their foreheads. They have always been so protective of me, I don’t know why. When I ask, they simply shake their heads and go about their business, scrubbing pots or cutting roots or . I am engulfed in hugs, but the praise doesn’t last long.
Erosia hands me a pile of dirty clothes. “Go do the wash, dear. When you come back you may have noon meal.” And with that I am pushed right out the door again and the door is shut behind me.
“I wonder what could possibly be going on in there.” I think aloud. I shouldn’t complain, I have been willing to do the harder chores, but all I am even allowed to do is the wash and the sweeping and the gathering. I would like to prepare the meals, to freshen up my skills for when I am wed, but my asking is not tolerated in my home. I gave up two years ago, and settled with preoccupying my mind with other things, such as daydreaming of princes and talking frogs.
I plop down on the side of the brook that we use to wash in. My birthday is tomorrow. I guess I’ll daydream about that. I hold a yellow tunic under the water.
Tomorrow I turn sixteen. I’ve lived with these four women for as long as I can remember. Ever since I was ten they told me that my parents died of the sickness when I was two years old. So I came to live with my mother’s closest friends. Now I realize it’s silly to daydream about princes, since I am a forest girl, and I will marry a forest boy. Only princesses marry princes. Everyone knows that.
I dunk a blue skirt into the cold water and scrub. None of the neighboring boys catch my eye. Most are too young. The older ones excite over their muscles and tanned arms. They boast of their looks and strength.
I finish up the wash of skirts and tunics and head back toward the cottage. The sun is high in the sky, directly above me. It is baking my back to a crisp. Lugging the pile of wet clothes, I go around our house out back to hang up the clothes. As soon as I see my heirloom bench pushed up against the cottage in the patch of sunlight, I remember that I forgot my studies this morning. In the warmer days, I sit and read on that bench because it’s in a warm, peaceful spot. In the morning of every day I must study the books that have been passed down to me from my mother. There are books on arithmetic, language, history, and the ancestors of the royal family. As for me, I have never even caught a glimpse of any king, queen, or anyone royal, but I expect they are awfully stuck up and rude.
I hang up the clothes on the thin rope we have that runs about fifteen feet from one tree to the other, and go inside to see what I’ve been set to eat.
~~~~~
I know I used ‘I’ a lot, but I don’t know how to get rid of them without my writing sounding like crap. Suggestions are welcome
Comments (3)
Bird Watching is said to be one of the most relaxing and peaceful hobbies that anyone can do.
I agree with the first answer. Try writing in third person, it’s much easier to define the name, gender, and it helps writing flow better, at least I think so. But, for a piece of writing in first person, it’s pretty good. A lot of writers seem to write too conversational, and that, to me, seems less professional, and less clean. This is pretty good, and I like the direction you’re going in, so far. But, sometimes, you "tell" rather than "show". Like when you said, "The sun is high in the sky" and then said "It is baking my back to a crisp" Just from saying the second sentence, you can infer that the sun is high in the sky, and its hot. You’re a little repetitive sometimes, and have a couple of sentence fragments, but other than that, I like the direction that this story is going in. Happy writing! =)
Could anyone help me with my story? Please? Any help at all would be greatly appreciated?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtAR3T9LLRbnYsv29BdN_u3sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20091207165940AAzbcHk
Maybe you can write this in 3rd person. Give " I" a name. If you think you using I too much. I think it’s fine. Besides the I thing.
You can always improve your structure and change things here and there. ALL great authors did it. Here is an example of some things I might reform:
"A few birds can be spotted in the branches. Blue Jays and Cardinals."
I spotted a few blue jays and cardinals looking down at me curiously from the branches above.
Also you have some fragmented sentences that you need to work on:
"So I came to live with my mother’s closest friends."
After my parents died of sickness when I was two years old I have been living with their closest friends.
If you have any more questions, you can email me and I’ll help as much as I can. I hoped I’ve helped!!